I saw my addiction councilor for the third time today. I am not crazy about her and really didn’t want to go back but I must. I don’t need to like her, I need her to help me with this problem of mine. Why I have a new councilor is part of the problem and the solution. This one specializes in addiction.
My first therapist of eight months doesn’t know enough about alcoholism to continue to see me. She demanded that I see someone who was trained in this issue or get intense inpatient treatment. She refused to continue our sessions and promised to take me back afterward if I wanted. Of course I want to. This therapist (we can call her T. for therapist) has been told many secrets. It took a long time to open up to her and although I hadn’t revealed everything in my life, I had grown attached to her. Isn’t it normal to feel that way? I felt safe when talking to T. and liked her on the first visit. It was an instant connection for me. I liked the way she responded and assisted me in finding my own answer. She guided me into answering my own questions and never put words in mouth.
I am very strong and don’t ask others for help often. I went to see T. because I was anxious and knew I needed help. I wasn’t searching for help with the alcohol, I figured I had that under control.
I hid my past alcohol use from her since I wasn’t heavily drinking at that moment. I knew I had an issue with alcohol, but I had control. I didn’t drink anywhere near what I had been. I didn’t need her help. The stigma behind alcoholism and alcoholics killed me. I wasn’t a bad person. I wouldn’t admit my use to anyone; I didn’t want to labeled as one of those people. I suppose I had pre-notions of alcoholics as well.
Had I revealed my situation in the beginning T. would judge me on that one fact alone. I wanted her to like me. Silly, I know. She’s my psychologist, her job wasn’t to like me, it was to help me.
As my sessions progressed I started sharing more. I was going through some stressful things in my relationship and the job was continuing to be a major stressor. She continued to be a support and I was growing. I was learning about my self and my reaction to my current situations. Self-realization turned into self-medicating again. My drinking got worse and my life started to become an upheaval mess again. I still didn’t suggest that I had a problem until I showed up at her office just slightly lit. She took my keys from me and made me come back an hour later for my car.
I always have a back up plan for every situation. I had a spare key and moved my car to another parking lot. I found a place I could get my car and she wouldn’t see, just in case she didn’t give them back.
I wanted her help and I wanted an escape. She did give me my keys back and I did make it home that day. She continued to see me but it was out, I had a problem.
It wasn’t long before I showed up again lit, no this time completely wasted and she didn’t know what to do with me. That is a story I’ll share at another time.