In the Big Book, on page 34, there is a passage in the second paragraph about the baffling urge we have to drink no matter how committed we are to leave it alone. I relate to this without a doubt. I found it impossible to stop drinking. Why is this, why did I relapse?
Page 35 discusses Jim’s story. He lost so much and seemed to have hit the proverbial bottom. He lost his company, his reputation, and nearly lost his family. He had gotten sober and things started to look better. Then a day of irritable circumstances occurred. Knowing he was making a foolish decision, he ordered a whiskey to add to his milk. That went ok, so he ordered another.
Fred’s story on page 39 is similar. He hadn’t nearly lost everything but still committed to stop drinking. He had no pressing issues like Jim had and was having a fine day. It was ok for him to enjoy a cocktail with dinner. One drink led to another. A few days went by that he only vaguely remembers. He too made no fight against taking that first drink. There was an excuse for each of them. They believed a lie that they could have just one because they had self-knowledge about their condition.
This was how I ended up in my own predicament. I made an unwise decision based on my self-knowledge that I could have one drink. I didn’t have a particularly stressful day and was in control of my Friday afternoon. I was headed home with no responsibilities for the evening and thought a quick dinner and a drink would be nice. I deserved and could handle it. Nothing happened, I felt fine. I was not drunk, so another drink wouldn’t hurt.
I believed if I willed it, I could have a single glass and enjoy it. I was telling my self a lie.
I felt under control when I chose to drink. With that choice, I also chose to give up my power. I became powerless over alcohol.
The first step states “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol” I can choose not to have that first drink. I can choose not to be defenseless unless I succumb to that first drink. That is when I am powerless. Remember the statement “The first drink gets you drunk.”