Today is Saturday and we had a BBQ here on the lane. Techs have extended the curfew to 11pm which is awesome and one of the houses is providing burgers, dogs, and brats. Each house just has to bring something to make it special. I was excited to go. It would be a chance to meet many more people and really test my ability to be in a social situation sober. It didn’t go as planned.
After our daily AA meeting outside the community house I went back to my own house and changed into something a little warmer. Anne B and Tri where grabbing a cake they had ordered from Walmart’s same day delivery service to bring over. Our house was set. We had a desert to bring and three woman who are generally shy were going to go. Anne B was looking forwarded to the Ping pong tournament that night. They headed over before me. On my way, D., my old roommate at rehab called me into the open garage to try a hand at a ping pong game. I never played before but she was willing to teach me. It was a quick game. I lost 0-10. It was fun. I just need to practice a little more before I commit my self to another game. I asked D. if she played often. ” I’ve been in a lot of rehabs” she responded as she served the ball to her next opponent. I sat and watched as she played a few more rounds. I could smell the burgers being cooked on the grill out back and decided to meander through the house to get something to eat. When I got to the back sliding glass door I stopped. The entire patio was full of people chatting away. Some where sitting at tables and others were digging into the huge spread that was laid out. My radar went up and I scanned for the people I knew enough to find an open space to stand by them. I saw TH and thought I would cram in next to her but my feet wouldn’t move. I stood their like an idiot. People passed by in and out of the doorway but I still could not move. I swiftly turned on my heels and walked back to my house.
What is wrong with me. Why couldn’t I go in, why couldn’t I just hang out there and talk to these people. I knew many of these people and would be living with them all for a few weeks. They shared their hearts at group meetings and I couldn’t be brave enough to even go grab a plate. Not cool at all. I sat on my couch and wrote a letter of disappointment to my counselor O. I wanted to go to the BBQ, I wanted to have fun, I wanted to sit with anybody and everybody but I couldn’t do it. As I wrote I got angry at my self and determined I would try again. I walked to my front door, grabbed the handle, opened the door and then shut it again. I was still in the house. I was not going. This was ridiculous!