Today is my last day as an in-patient and I presented at process group my 7 consequences of drinking. Now mind you, this was supposed to be my 3rd homework assignment but it took me three weeks to complete it.This was a difficult one since I really needed to dig deep. I think I did. So here goes.
At the age of 4 I discovered the beauty of alcohol. I would run around the bar to all the patrons and get a sip of whatever was in their cup. By my teenage years I binged to be able to handle school functions that I socially felt awkward at and by 21 I was pregnant. A friend took me to an Alateen meeting she attended because of her own mothers drinking. I was over the age but still looked young enough to pass the age cut off of 19. I stopped drinking for the sake of my child for what I thought to be forever. I lived in the perfect little house with a white picket fence, a dog in the front yard and koi pond in the back. By 22 and a newborn in the house, my boyfriend was arrested for the molestation of minor boys. I still hadn’t drank, I had a new life to take care of and I wasn’t going to mess him up. It got to me after a while. A colicky baby, a boyfriend in jail, and bills surmounted. I moved back in with my mother and things seemed to be going well. I could have the small occasional drink and be fine but I was breast feeding and nothing was going to hurt my son.
I took a job and instantly saw an opportunity to better my life. I preceded to get involved with the CEO of my company and he loved my child. We moved up to NY and things changed drastically. Suddenly I was the boss’s wife. I had to be on point, sociable, intelligent, articulate, a thing of grace and beauty. I wasn’t. I was 24 years younger than my husband and looked upon as the plaything he had acquired. At 23 I was the square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I had hospital parties and galas to attend, social gatherings were abound and I was nothing. I felt like nothing. Quick fix… Alcohol. Before every party I would fill a bottle with alcohol and drink it on the way to a function. As soon as we got in the door my husband would hand be a double on the rocks. It helped to be holding my elixir all night, it gave my hand something to do. The glass would never be empty. I learned quickly to dump the rocks and if my husband asked I’d say they had just melted but in truth I had requested a triple no ice. When no alcohol was served, like the fundraiser in Manhattan for an alcohol treatment center, I would still do my routine and slip my water bottle in my purse. Who would complain if you chose to drink bottled water instead? I can probably say I am the only one in history who spent all night responding “Hi so and so” at an event and threw up from alcohol poising the whole way home. My son had been at the sitters and I had no accountability.
As my son grew my husband did too. Into a tyrant. Our ideals clashed, things would be thrown around, threats made, names called, and once or twice I ended up tossed over the couch. I had a menial job and couldn’t support myself. I stuck it out. The day my son asked when we were going to leave dad I started back to my alcoholic refuge. It wasn’t an all-day thing mind you. Just in the evenings when I was headed home. But that soon changed and by the time my son was 15 I was drinking all day every day. At 16 he had had enough. While I lay on the floor he called the insurance company and a rehab center on the west coast. The policy I had would pay for both treatment and plane fare. I remember laying on the kitchen floor talking to the center while I cried and my husband yelled in the background that I was not going. I packed my bags the best I could with objects I wouldn’t need including my travel memories, a collection of rocks with the name and date of where I picked them up. Stupid as it sounds now, they meant everything to me. Those were my happy palaces. They were all places I went with my son and without my husband.
I didn’t go to rehab but I did slow my drinking down for my son’s sake. A friend snuck me off to AA meetings and we listened but never spoke. When he didn’t go I didn’t go. Again social anxiety. When my son left for college at 18 I started right back up again. Did I ever have a hangover, no. I never stopped drinking. I picked up the bottle and never put it back down.
- Because of my drinking I have lost my mental capabilities. I was intelligent. I did use extraordinary words that set me apart from my peers. I was well spoken and could fit in with the highest intellectuals without fear. Now, I can’t remember things. I lose track of my thoughts, ideas, things I want to do and I can’t even spell words a 1st grader can. My fellows here at BFC recognize this as I can now just call out a word and they know I need them to spell it. It terrifies me to write a letter by hand as I will have to reword a sentence multiple times before placing it on paper. Even spell check often won’t recognize the word I have typed and this leave me frustrated. My vocabulary has suffered and I can find the words often enough to express what I am meaning. Sometimes I can’t even find the words for simple objects in my hand. Every mental task has become an effort. Until I receive some of my abilities back I will feel hollow and misunderstood.
- Because of my drinking I have lost time. Tons of it. I drive to no place in particular and sit in a car for hours doing nothing in particular except drink. I could do this five or six hours a day. What time I wasted! Valuable time.
- Because of my drinking I have a DWAI and my name is printed in paper and on the internet. It’s only a traffic violation but I lost my license for two years and had to pay nine thousand dollars in fees to get it back. I lose awareness while I’m driving, and have damaged every car in some way or another including my company vehicle. I am panicky that I have caused so much damage and have to hide the company car so they don’t see it and horrified that I may have killed a person with my alcoholic consumption. This has disgraced me in my town and caused me a great financial burden. I didn’t care about the loss of all this money. I felt annoyed and thought it was my husband’s faults so I wasn’t accountable. The fees were his responsibility as well since he made me run away that night. Now I am dismayed by not only actions but my thoughts that I was under any obligation to really change. I wanted to kill myself not others. I now want to never put any one in danger because of my actions. It was irresponsible of me and I am not an irrespirable person.
- Because of my drinking I caused damage to my physical body by not eating. I drank and did not eat. Ever. I went from a size 16 to a size 4 for in an incredibly short amount of time. I looked hollow and sickly. Many of my patients spoke with coworkers asking is I was sick or had cancer. I needed to gain some weight and eventually started consuming food again. But this caused me to have such a high intake of calories between the alcohol and food that I again quickly gained weight. This fluctuation was not good for my body. My Ph. level was so off that as I sweat from the mini withdraws I had every night my sheets would get bleached. Who ever heard of screwing up your body so badly that you actually bleached your sheets! Crazy. That’s what I think of it. Just down right crazy that I would put my body through the trauma of night sweats to this extent.
- Because of my drinking I have lost my drive and ambition. I had dreams at one time. I was on paths to greatness in my career and worked hard to advance in my aspirations to ride in international horse shows. I had 5 horses on my property to make this a reality and I stopped riding as actively. I am saddened by the lack of attention I give to my horses. They deserved more from me and I only took care of their physical health not their mental health. They need me for enjoyment entertainment and exercise. None of which I did. I hit a stall in my career because I just wasn’t paying attention to what I needed to advance and really didn’t care to. I’m not sure how I feel about my job. It is stressful but I enjoy what I do and manage people well. I give them guidance and hope. I listen to personal and work related issues and am always there for them. This gives me pride and when I return I can give them the attention they deserve as well.
- Because of my drinking I had an affair, ok many affairs. I wasn’t happy at home, much to my own doing. I was drinking and it soured my relationship with my husband. He stuck by me regardless, probably in an unhealthy way as I was actually hoping he would leave me. If he left and it was my fault it would be easier than just leaving him because I wanted to. Still it was my doing that caused an issue. I sought out the attention of other men and eventually found one man in particular and fell in love. I would have never handled the situation in this manner had I not been drinking. I would have respected my husband and left but instead I became infatuated with another. Now I am still friends with this other gentleman and we talk often enough but I have not seen him since Sept 24th 2019. I am happy with our friendship and I am happy at home with my husband since I am not hiding shame and guilt.
- Because of my drinking my son has never seen a sober mother. I was a responsible mother I thought. We had a lot of fun and we would go everywhere together. We tried new foods, experiences, trips, and museums. I taught him how to be self-sufficient in every way I could because you never know when someone you are counting on lets you down. We did have so many great adventures and he remembers them fondly. What is heartbreaking is that he said to me recently he doesn’t know if I was really a fun mom or if I was just never ever sober. It hurts me now. I know now I wasn’t a responsible mother. I taught him and cared for him but I could have done so much better. Having my son question me has left me devastated. I have a lot to make up for to prove to him that we had fun because I am fun.