I asked to see my old psychologist today about the issues of cravings I was having. Way too many for my liking. This was the first time I talked to him since I moved over to the lane. I was supposed to get transitioned to another psychologist but she hasn’t reached out to me. He apologized and said he played a little trick on me. He chuckled and moved awkwardly in his chair. He wanted to see how I did when left to my own devices and would I reach out. Which I did and he was happy for that. He had insisted that he had been in constant contact with my councilor O and the new psychologist M about what was going on with me. It upset me that he did this. I started to slump a little in my chair and look away from the camera. He asked me about it. He noticed. I told him how I felt lied to and how I didn’t like being tested. It was hurtful. He apologized and asked “Why do you want Michele to reach out, why didn’t you reach out to her.” I was blunt “I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me and I am the patient here.” He again that she knows his notes and is kept in the loop. He also mentioned he has not shared my personal story with her. Those were my secrets to reveal if I wanted to, not his. I wearily accepted his apology. Although I am still not happy about it I do love him and know he had good intentions.
We next hit the fact that I want to drink. Yes I want to drink now and always. I was slipping and not attending meetings like I should and wasn’t really speaking at them when I did. I felt I was failing. Had I pushed too hard? I mentioned the BBQ and how I couldn’t step onto the patio. I explained that I felt fine going over there but as soon as I tried to step through the door it was a wave of anxiety that pushed me back and made me turn on my heels. He agreed. He said “You are taking two steps forward and one step back and that’s ok” “It’s not a failure but you need to slow down a little. You weren’t ready for such a big leap.” He suggested I have a wing man in the future “Just till you can do it on your own.” We discussed it a little further and from my past explanations I could have gone had someone been by my side. He also said I was an amazing person who has changed so much since he has known me and it’s a remarkable thing that he got to see this. He teared up again and that made me feel valuable in his eyes. I had impacted him as much as he had impacted me. He went on to offer me a dual meeting. He would be there with Dr M. why we talked as more of an observer, my wingman- till I got comfortable with this new doctor. Since he’s offering this, I am making the assumption that I will be here for a lot longer than I expected. Especially since I said I want to drink today. Lordy, help me keep my mouth shut sometimes.
Not really. I love it here. I hang out by the pool every day and am surrounded by the coolest of woman, plus I don’t ever have to cook if I don’t want to!