Another homework assignment was given to me. I completed it and shared it in group today. It was relatively easy for me to do this one. The object of Goal #1 A is to discuss my progress and and struggles I have being intimate and sharing my feelings with others.
“The struggles- I have been hurt my entire existence by many different people in all roles of m life. My parents didn’t protect me from the evils in the world and actually became those evils themselves. I needed to survive at any cost and trust no one. The few good people that in my life left me and I learned to run from people when I felt a loss was inevitable. Therefore I struggle with both public interactions and private healthy relationships to ward off fear and loss. It is easier to be hide and be solitary than chance getting hurt.
I can not comfortably handle situations where crowds gather by my self. I have little social skills enabling me to start a conversation with those people I don’t know and hate standing against the wall just watching. Being center of attention must be avoided at all cost hence my wedding was just four of us. When I find a good soul I keep them at a distance for fear I will be found out that I am not good enough or smart enough to associate with them. I will eventually be be hurt or abandoned by this person. Often that is worse than any physical harm I have endured or committed to my self. I can zone to another world in these instances but not when it’s emotional. The fear of devastation causes me to run and run quickly. I am afraid of people knowing the true me and that includes a sponsor. The sponsor I did have did just that to me and never wants to see my face or hear my name again.”
“The progress- My progress may seem small but it’s giant leaps for me. I now stay connected with my family and use them as a resource to learn proper social skills. My son is my anchor and even at 26 can get me to do nearly anything with him. I reached out to a woman I ran away form 24 years ago who was my acting mother and she says she loves me still. I travel alone to countries and have been to AA meetings in London, Amsterdam, and Ireland. I have been able to have one on one conversation with more ease I still don’t share feelings, ideas or emotions. I am a successful business woman and directly manage 18 offices and 38 employees who will blindly follow my lead because I am able to play a role when I am at work but am unable to do this still at home. I have started to share in small group settings of AA but always cautiously, afraid of saying the wrong thing even when I know there is no wrong in AA. I have reluctantly shown my face on WebEx and am gaining confidence in that area. I have gotten close to all my housemates and have shared details of my life, I just need to learn not to run from them when I leave here.”
The object of Goal #1 B is to discuss why I deserve healthy intimacy. This one took me forever to write. Why did I deserve healthy intimacy. Key word is deserve and it had to be a full one page essay. I cheated and just printed really big.
“I am truly a good person. My ethics and morals are high and I strive to live by them everyday and in every moment. I have a lot of love to give and expect love in return. I am loyal as a friend and listen to others issues with out them fearing things will go further or I will gossip. I don’t extend my views on others unless asked and don’t give advise unless they are requesting it. I let others speak their mind openly. I am honestly a free spirit when I get past my shyness. I am willing to try anything the first time with a friend and am always encouraging others to follow their desires. I light up when given compliments and return them just as quickly. I am forthcoming with those I love and am willing to do anything for them. I am polite. I deserve healthy intimacy because I am happiest when I have it. I feel secure and brave enough, loved, and peaceful when I am in the company of those who is enjoy my presence. I feel I have a purpose.”
I was told how much of a good person I was by my group mates. How they enjoyed my company and don’t feel at all that I am not good enough. The counselor O made comments as well how he enjoyed our recent conversations, how I was funny, talkative, and intelligent. He also said no one would follow someone who wasn’t all the things I described as my self. “You are a special lady”