Day 8

Happy New Year!
I had made plans to go to a nonalcohol party yesterday. I had the confidence and was looking forward to an exhilarating night of dancing. But as the day progressed, I had second thoughts. It was too cold and I was too tired. I was coming up with all sorts of justifications not to go, the roads were icy and the night would be too long. My husband had made a dish to take and refused to listen to my excuses. He had been so happy at the prospect of a positive evening with me and I was trying terribly to get out of it. I gave in.
There was no ice on the roads and we arrived just shy of nine. We pulled in and I asked him to wait in the car for a while. I wanted to see who went in and who came out. Only single men were entering and a few were coming out to take a smoke break. The anxiety started. I wanted to run and run quickly. He wanted to go in and I was refusing.
He had rebuttals for all my hesitations, “Why can’t we just go in, I didn’t do all that work for it to get wasted. We won’t know who’s there till we get in and they probably already brought in the food.” He was getting short.
At this point, I was in near full panic mode. I wanted him to understand why I couldn’t face this type of function in a completely sober state. I couldn’t have fun and relax without a drink and I wanted to have fun. More excuses.
Wouldn’t we be able to just eat at home and watch the ball drop on the couch? I could turn the music up on the tv and we could dance across the living room. I promised I’d make it a fun and romantic night. He just got cold and silent while he sat there staring off into space.
A few more minutes and many more cars pulled in. Older couples, young families, and people I knew from my local meetings started towards the door. I knew I had to go in. The night was already ruined by my hesitation. He promised we could leave if I was still uncomfortable. I opened the car door and headed in with my dish toting husband happily following behind.
The party was in fact, ok. The auditorium was decked out with lights, decorations, and tables full of food. A DJ was on center stage playing current music. A woman greeted us and took my husband’s prized ziti.
My husband and I sat down and watched the people around us. They were having so much fun. Everyone was dressed to the nines and ready to bring in the new year. Many were on the dance floor letting loose and singing. Older couples were dancing together and younger people were in smaller groups. They were having a great time without their drug of choice. All I could do was sit there.
We ate our meal and listened to the array of music while we watched the show. I met a few nice people at the table but choose to leave before the evening was over.
I will be like them one day, loose, happy, able to have a good time. Just not now. I went in though. I attended without completely knowing anyone. We left with a smile still on my husband’s face. Our night was not a complete loss and I overcame what I believed to be a big step. I attended a social function for the first time without any alcohol in my system.