I expressed my loss of control in last night’s dream. I wanted to share it because it was so significant. I was in the packed parking lot of a new AA meeting. I found an open spot, pulled in, and turned off the car. The entire area had “No Parking, Handicap Only” signs posted. I wasn’t handicap even though everyone else parked there. I needed to move my car.
I started the car up and put it in reverse. The car immediately shut off and started rolling backward. My breaks wouldn’t work. I frantically turned the key. It started for only a second and shut off. I was rolling backward down a hill, in the dark, past hundreds of parked cars. Fear ran through me as I tried to control the car. I finally rolled to a stop without hitting anyone and sighed relief. My nerves were shot and I no longer wanted to go into the meeting. The entire drive home my car kept shutting off. Each time I’d lose steering, I’d lose breaks, I’d lose headlights, I’d lose all control. I woke up in such a sweat that my clothes were soaked and I was more tired than when I went to bed.
I don’t normally remember my dreams or try to analyze them but I understood this one completely. It was all about the solitude I put my self into. There were hundreds of people at that meeting in my dream and I left myself just outside of contacting them. I was close but that doesn’t make it.
The handicap only signs that didn’t apply to me truly did. Just like everyone else who parked there I have a disease. I have a metaphoric handicap when it comes to alcohol. I had every right to park in that spot but I decided that label didn’t apply to me.
The car starting and shutting down is self-evident in its meaning. I tried to function in the state I was in. At first, you only think one thing is uncontrolable when your drinking. Sometimes you even get a breather, however, it doesn’t take long for you to lose control, for life to become unmanageable.
I need to correct that statement. I didn’t lose control the other day I gave control away. I think that’s an important thing to remember.