Today was a difficult day for me. It’s my roommate T.S.’s last night and that’s not ok with me. I am so happy that she is moving on to the next level of treatment and going home but again, I will be alone and have to deal with the loss of a really good friend. This is where my mind went as soon as I woke this morning. This sent me off into a craving, where my body shakes and I heaved for a good 10 minutes. Nerves of steal I do not have. I am being abandoned again and I want to drink. I even know this sounds ridiculous but the craving level was pretty high. and I had a second trigger shortly after that really sent me for a loop at the morning lecture.
Adult Children of Alcoholics (aka Dysfunctional Families) was not a group or topic I’d heard before. A councilor, Kelly, did the presentation and was reviewing her slides regarding the goals of her presentation. She clarified the impact addiction has on the family unit as a hole and how that family can find new ways of coping. I didn’t think it really pertained to me. Sure both my parents are alcoholics but not that I remember growing up. My father I didn’t even know growing up so surely I was not a product of this family dynamic issue. WRONG. She mentioned multiple types that family members in a dysfunctional family are often the scapegoat, the hero, the victim, the enabler, the mascot or the lost child. The last resonated with me immensely. I immediately got depressed. I must be really screwed up. I was often shy and alone. I use pretend my mother was Wonder Woman and my father Superman. I also would pretend anything I could to make life seem more bearable. I still daydream and have major attachment issues especially to things.
So was that all, no. Dr. Janet G. Woititz’s research came down to 13 traits common in adult children of alcoholics. These traits are all me:
- We guess at what normal behavior is.
- We have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
- We lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
- We judge ourselves without mercy.
- We have difficulty having fun.
- We take themselves very seriously.
- We have difficulty with intimate relationships.
- We overreact to changes over which they have no control.
- We constantly seek approval and affirmation.
- We usually feel that they are different from other people.
- We are super responsible or super irresponsible.
- We are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
- We are impulsive. We tend to lock ourselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This leads to confusion, self loathing and loss of control over our environment. We spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
Wow. It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I was really screwed up. Craving receptors went crazy and so did I. The shakes came first. Not just in my hands but my entire body shivered under the news that again I was a classic mess caused bt my family dynamics. Then the nausea, and it was quick and unrelenting. I jumped up and ran to the toilet heaving the entire way. Nothing but bile and that’s the worse kind. Throwing up something is better than nothing when you are heaving like that. Thank goodness my room mate was there and she reassured me this was all normal. My body still shook as she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me for what seemed like an eternity. It worked though. It calmed me down and went back to Kelly’s presentation. I still shook and wanted that drink but at least I was able to finish the lecture.
Two good things come of this realization. One I am an adult child of an alcoholic and two I now have another resource and group I can seek out help from the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization.
As far as TS., we had a great dinner together. Anne B, TS., TB., and I ordered sushi for dinner. It was delivered just in time for all of us to sit down at the table together and have a great meal. It was the best dinner discussion I have had in a long time. We shared life experiences and laughed the night away. It was a great end to a horribly triggering day.