I started the day off with a 4 mile walk with two of my house mates. It was a flat walk so it wasnt that hard but I am out of shape so I think I should do this as often as I can. Today I feel content. I started the day by calling all the contacts that I was given for the Vivitrol shot when I get home. I still haven’t gotten approval for it here yet but I am excited to be taking the Naltrexone as a once a month shot instead of in daily pill form. I ran into snags though and was upset this morning. Out of four places two where actually outpatient rehab centers. They would require me to join as a client, I would have to go through an intake process, get weekly drug testing, and join there group meetings every day. Jeeze is all I can say to that. Apparently if I come up positive I would be tossed back into a rehab center. Now mind you I have no plan on drinking but that should be my choice not theirs. So that’s not an option for me. The other two places were private care doctors and they don’t take my insurance so I would need to pay upwards of $150 for the doctors visit and any copay my insurance has for the medication. Strike four. I was very frustrated and T mentioned that as long as I am compliant and take the pills it would probably run me closer to $10 a month instead. She was right. So therefor I feel content now- just take the dam pills and forget about it. I may try and take the shot while I am still here to see how I like it to give me at least one month of protection when I leave here.
Todays morning lecture by my counselor was about blaming yourself and others. I rarely blame others but I definitely blame my self for all things that happen. Why? Dr. Brene Brown states blaming yourself gives us a sense of control. That she would rather blame herself than no one at all. I can see that completely. I need to stop the pattern of the blame game. By refusing to turn my anger or fear inward for things out of my control I can let go of my attachment to the problem and focus on what is in my control at the moment. I know that’s a mouthful. If I can’t control it I can’t blame it on me.
This will work when I place blame on others too. Often my blame comes from fear. What is going to happen because of another’s action? I still have control of something in the process. I can’t blame others for my reaction to their incomitance or my lack of action in a matter. What is done is done. What was my role in what happened? If I have no role and it is caused by them take action don’t place blame. It wont get me anywhere.