Tonight is my last night here. I switch to Intensive Out-Patient Treatment tomorrow. I have a choice to stay here another 6-8 weeks to continue this new phase of my treatment or going home and completing it virtually. I was excited to move on yet would have preferred to stay here, except Covid has put a large damper on what can be done here. I am stuck on the cul de sac. They won’t let us leave except to go to the main campus. Pre covid we were allowed to have our cars and go on day trips where ever we wanted. That would have been ideal. Being cooped up on this lane leaves me too much downtime. I can’t see staying here for 12 hours a week of the program. I enjoy the in-person meetings and the feedback I get from my peers. I enjoy getting on the bus every morning and hanging out with my housemates after hours. I absolutely adore having nightly conversations with my roommate, who enjoys my company as well. Life is good here. Friends in my home, friends at the pool, friends on the bus ride, friends outside my door playing pickleball, ping pong, chess, and bean toss. Weekend BBQ’s going to the tech office and even getting checked on at 10 pm, 1 pm, and 3 pm by the night staff will all be missed. Am I ready? No, not really. I don’t want to waste time out of work staying here when I could be on my boat, getting things down at the house, and even going out to shop when I want to. If my spouse wasn’t at home begging me to come home, I probably wouldn’t.
My brother-in-law fell ill the other day and that is affecting my husband as well. He sounds so depressed on the phone as he gives me daily updates on his brother. The information we are getting is somewhat fuzzy. I am told he is conscious, had a small stroke, and his cardiac output is not where they would like to see it. He is having trouble recognizing people and has called his son Richard (my husband). His children decided to sign a DNR order for him. Since we are getting the news from our niece, the information is sort of fuzzy.
Today was finally productive. My counselor came back, and though still obviously sick, he led a good group. We discussed the situation with my mother again, and I received his feedback as well as another round from my mates. They all say I need to cut her out of my life for a while. I just can’t do that to her again. I do need to address where the conversations go with her, though. I am not ready for alcohol to be the main subject of conversation with anyone. It’s too fresh, and I am too triggered to want to drink.
I also stayed awake during the afternoon 2-hour lecture. This has been increasingly difficult for me to do but I did well today. It was on the cycle of Addiction and completed by the head of the program so it was a little more intense. He kept us active in the conversation so we weren’t just getting lectured to. It also helped to have the therapy dog Jaspar walk the isles greeting everyone as his master spoke. Sort of kept us all awake I think.
The bus ride back was normal and I was excited to get back to the house. The pool was calling my name and I couldn’t wait.
Post Script: Had an interesting conversation with my son. He is going to talk with my mother about curbing the discussions about alcohol in front of me. He was very defensive at first, protecting his grandmother, and I wasn’t sure where the conversation would go. He kept saying, ” In all fairness, mom…” While he was trying to protect her, I was feeling attacked for the damage I caused. I know I caused damage, but it felt like a tit for tat, and he wasn’t paying attention to me. He wasn’t acknowledging that I need them to be sensitive to my situation for a while. I am supposed to see them when I get back, but I am dreading it. They are both drinkers, and I am too fragile for the conversations or the night’s rituals to include me and alcohol. My sobriety must come first, so I guess I will have some hard choices to make for a while.
We had a pizza party for dinner. My roommate and I are both leaving tomorrow, and the KO decided to buy us all pizza for a nice farewell party. There were even anchovies ordered! We all sat around talking, and I enjoyed the comradery. We invited a woman from next door who was in a house by herself. This is her second day here, and we felt she should not be alone. The director barged into our house but apologized quickly for being so intrusive. We all sat and talked f while we were told again that we couldn’t go in each other’s home. SHe gets it she said and understood that we were looking out for the new woman who hadn’t gotten a chance to meet people here yet but we really couldn’t have her in our house. What good did come of it is this woman is now moving into a house with 2 other people. The director was very sweet about it and I was glad she understood why we bent the rules a little even though she did have to end our evening soiree.